He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
