so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
