i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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