I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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