It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
