oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
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I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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