I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
