they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
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It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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