Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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