you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
