drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
