dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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