i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
