he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
