i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
