The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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