I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
