The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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