I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
