We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
