if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.