Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating