He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
