Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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