just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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