she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Randomize
