Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
