her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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