going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
