I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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