He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
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Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
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Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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