oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
