you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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