Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
