he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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