You're completely useless in the revolution.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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