I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
