I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
