don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
