I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
you will always have a special place in my vag
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
