you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
