Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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