is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
where does the pee come out of this thing
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
