a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
