normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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