I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
