White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
