I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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