im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
