Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I love having hate sex.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
