You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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