Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
