If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
