Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
