just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
