I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
