Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
