I think my fart just growled at me.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
