I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
