hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
